looking at all the not-so-pleasant things in life and still being grateful is true thankfulness. be thankful for not just the good but also the bad.
I never knew that leaving home for college in Minnesota would be the last time I would actually see my family and parents physically, emotionally, lovingly together. This Thanksgiving, it might seem like I have nothing to be thankful for; I’m in this deserted college town, away from family and close friends. My parents are emotionally (and physically) separated, me and my siblings are far apart and not as close together as we once were. I haven’t heard from my dad in two weeks. My mom hasn’t replied my text since Sunday. My best friends are all in different states, miles away, with their families and girlfriends. If there was anything this holiday season was, it was deadly quiet. And it was just the start of many lonely holidays in the years to come.
Every reason to be discouraged, yet I am thankful for so many things.
Burdened but thankful for the parents I have. It has been awhile, almost in a different lifetime, when we laughed and smiled under the same roof. Still those memories live fresh in my mind. I go to bed thinking of the old, good times and it anchors me, gives me strength to continue on when I wake up in the morning. You both will always be my mom and dad, come whatever.
Miles apart yet thankful for the siblings I have. Our laughs and crazy times together was, still and always will the best memories that I will always retain. I am blessed to have everyone of you-Juliet, Jemima, Johannah, Ezekiel and Jerusha. I love you guys.
So thankful for my friends and especially my best friends (jeff, bran, vik) who have been there through thick and thin. Loyalty and friendship is something money can never ever buy. Love you all #nohomo
I will never forget those memories, those faces for a lifetime and a 100 years. You guys, family and friends, are the faces that give me strength in my lowest times.
October 13, 2010 - the third night during Hellweek in the navy, I found myself covered with mud and sand from head to toe. Crawling through that long grass field while every fiber in my body felt like it was on fire. My thighs were bleeding raw from the constant abrasion caused by our wet, stinking cammies. My feet were white and raw from the wet combat boots. My platoon had been sleep deprived for the fourth day in a row now with constant physical activity, I was dragging a buddy by the shirt collar, and he the same to me. Then they dropped us, right in the mud again. Pushups, they wanted pushups. My triceps and chest burned with an unearthly pain from crawling. My mind was turning circles. I tried to yell my buddy’s name and encourage him even while I was near gone, but no sound came out.
I looked down at the mud below me; I was about the same color as the crap below me. I could not push myself up no matter how hard I tried. My arms were cramped up so bad. It hurt. For the first time in years not since my grandpas passed away, I shed tears from the pain and misery. I wanted to be a diver so bad, to follow my dad’s footstep and make him proud. Yet it seemed like they made it impossible to attain that diver’s badge. I threw my head back in my effort and looked up for the first time at that dark morning, Then I saw the stars shining down brightly. They were twinkling like they encouraging me. I swear I named a star for everyone that I loved and then dug down deep within to find the strength I did not think I had. The names of my loved ones were my mantra; it pulled me through that evolution and the next dozen others they threw at us till we secured Thursday afternoon.
I know you guys will always be there, even when we are physically separated by so many miles. And I promise to be a better person for everyone of you.
"Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now”
- “Wonderful” Everclear
It’s crazy how much you thought your parents’ nagging were just incessant rantings and never paid attention to them during your teenage years. Then fast forward a decade and suddenly you’re in your 20’s and staring life’s reality in the face. All of a sudden, whatever your parents nagged you about comes back to you saying, “I told you so.” It’s just that we were never mature enough to process the advise they meted out, so busy trying to break free from the chains, get out there and live our own lives.
then she randomly turns to me and blurted out, “when are you gonna open yourself up to a girl again?”… it caught me by surprise but then again, the truth always catches you off guard. I knew it was the truth, but I didn’t have an answer for her. I mumbled something noncommital, but her words still churned in my mind long after she left to meet her boyfriend.
it’s the feeling of staring disappointment so many times in the face that you wanna block out everything. you’re merely driven to succeed and achieve what you aim for, and when you’re not fighting for your goals, you just want to be as far from reality as possible. so driven yet so broken, ironic isn’t it? you’ve just been at that tough spot just far south of heaven for too long.
Hank: Well the booze is always helpful and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I’m with her, even when I’m not."
— Californication Season 6 Episode 12: “I’ll Lay My Monster Down.”
in a rare, silent moment of much-needed self reflection, I realized so much - my mistakes, changes I can make, living for a better cause #muchneeded
some days, I just wish I could be home. home with family, with my best friends. buddies who will be there through the shit and good times. #depressed #growingupsucks
Just to let me down and mess me around
And then worst of all you never call, baby"
— Buttercup - Temptations
— Dream for an Insomniac
"there’s a storm coming like nothing you’ve ever seen, and not a one of you is prepared." a line taken from the script of the movie Take Shelter more than sums up this upcoming week. I take a look around me, and all I see is unforgiveness, a gall of bitterness, slowly eating inside out. what happened to the joy of the Lord? on the other hand, I see stubborness, an iron will unwilling to conform or listen to rebuke.
all I want is happiness, not for myself but for all of you. but all I see is that you willingly choose to put yourselves in the state of self-pity and depressed hope. step out, step up, take a look around. you’ll see that change is within your hands. I don’t know how I can help them anymore, I’m supposed to take sides this Thursday when I know that taking sides will never bring happiness, instead, irreversible regret.
I face this silence alone and can only pen my thoughts down. it’s almost rock bottom now..
I’ve never known normal, never have, don’t ever think I will ever experience it. sometimes I feel like my life is just a director’s uncut version of Aristophanes’ The Gods Are Laughing. it’s frustrating whenever you think you can visualize the perfect ending of the start of something good but somehow, somewhere along the way, you’re always headed for a head-on collision with roadblocks and disappointing detours.
then I take a look around and wonder how those who don’t deserve anything in life continually succeed and prosper. it’s then that something within me dies, a little part of my resolve crumbles. with all that frustration bottled up within, the only way is to sweat it out, burn it away. I don’t think anyone, anything will ever hear the full story of my complete frustration. no one ever wants to hear or feel what isn’t normal. this world, this society is programmed to accept flawlessness, perfection, and judge everything less. it’s best to keep my black box locked, throw the key away, and not give up.
your religion and your beliefs, do they give you freedom or fear? do you have peace without having to go to your church/mosque/temple? because if you only have peace and happiness when you go to worship, you’re no different from a drug addict who lives for kicks, surviving from speedball to speedball. if God has given you peace, contentment, and saving grace, you are able to face anything and move mountains with your faith. going to worship doesn’t make you any more religious than standing in a garage make you an automobile.
in a nutshell, is your faith based on man and works, or are they rooted in conviction deep within your heart?
while the world intoxicates and fornicates, i’ll just set me down in a quiet corner and write my heart out
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